The Sprayberries

Yoga For Dummies

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Tonight JD and I went to our first pre-natal yoga class. Technically it's just a beginner Hatha yoga class, but we figure any yoga is good yoga. It's located "downtown" in a really nice space with light brown flooring, many many fans, and a kind of shrine that the yoga lady sits in front of while she tortures you. So we got there 10 minutes early to fill out a liability waiver and list medical history. After 5 hard years of martial arts I've given up listing my ailments and simply write "Wide variety of bone, muscle, tendon, ligament, and ego damage. Nothing debilitating."

Anyway, we get our complementary yoga mats and navaho wool blankets and stake out some territory on the edge of the space. I have NO idea how to warm up for yoga so I stick with what I know and try out a few jump spin kicks. Not a popular option. After a few minutes Yoga Lady asks us to find a comfortable sitting position and concentrate on our breathing. I comply and sit indian style and begin to take deep breaths. Immediately my leg cramps. Crap. This is not going to go well for me.

Over the next hour we progress from sitting, to standing, to kneeling, to laying down, to rolling over, etc etc. Some of the positions were absolutely excrutiating and I distinctly remember one particular position called the twist. Begin by laying down. Nice. Now, while staring at the ceiling and wondering if anyone has noticed that you're chewing gum lift and extend your left leg. Excellent. Cross your right leg on top of your left leg as if you were sitting down and crossing your legs. Good. Now, if you can, wrap your right foot under your left calf as if it had no bones in it that would prevent such a thing. Now gently lower your leg to the ground and touch your foot to the floor. At this point, I was so lost I looked over at Yoga Lady to see which foot was supposed to be approaching the ground and Bride of Gumby that she was I COULDN'T TELL by simply observing. Her legs were all twisted up like a licorice stick. So I gave up and concentrated on breathing again.

After 55 minutes of adventurous pain she released us from our most recent contortion and gave a command that sounded for all the world like "Ok people, Shabazz Time." All the women around us (the class was 95% female) lay down on their backs and pulled their blankets around them as Yoga Lady went around and turned off the lights. Nap time! Sweet! For the next ?10? minutes we relaxed and practiced meditating. Not a bad deal.

So that was it. To be honest I enjoyed it quite a bit. Stretching has always been my personal athletic demon and having someone walk me through the painful painful process is really the only way it gets done. It's kind of funny to hear the Yoga Lady saying "Now, if any of this hurts just relax and find what your body feels is comfortable" while I'm over in the corner shaking, swearing a blue streak to myself, and pushing just a little harder to get the most out of it. We agreed that we should be going a couple of times a week to keep JD healthy and me entertained.

Oh yeah, and we finished tiling the bathroom today. Pics to follow.